The Rest of the Pregnancy

I remember writing a really nasty email to all of J's family. It said don't talk to me, don't ask me any questions, I love this baby. Now I feel badly about writing it, but I guess my feelings were boiling over.

We went and saw the local perinatologist monthly, for a few months. He told me that I should be induced at the University of Utah Hospital, so that the baby could be immediately taken to Primary Children's Medical Center when she was born. So I switched to a perinatologist at U of U. And we did the hour drive many, many times for the pregnancy checkups. Little did I know how many more medical trips to Salt Lake lay ahead in the years to come.

It was not fun getting ready for the baby. We actually didn't even know if there would be a baby to bring home. We didn't set up a crib, or paint a nursery, or stock up on girl clothes.

We talked about the possibility of giving her a quick baby blessing there in the hospital, to give her a name.

We knew that she would be rushed to surgery, if she was even alive when she was born.

I know this sounds sad and grim and bleak, but that's the way it was. I really don't remember any good memories about this time.

Everywhere I turned, there were happy pregnant people and new/healthy babies. And Fast Sundays with people saying, "I'm just so thankful for a healthy baby". Or people saying, "We don't care if it's a boy or girl, just as long as it's healthy."

I remember bearing my testimony and trying to tell my ward that our unborn baby had problems, but I don't think anyone really got it.

We are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. We believe in life before this and life after this. So that knowledge was a great comfort. We also believe that if your family is sealed in a Temple, that bond will not be broken after death. So we knew that if she died, we would see her again. We also believe that children who die before the age of 8 (the age of accountability-this is the age when children can be baptized because they are old enough to know right and wrong and understand consequences) and those who have special needs are automatically "saved" in the kingdom to come. Our faith carried us through this difficult period.