Well, we were scheduled to be induced on my Birthday.
Ellie was 39 weeks along. I was turning 24.
I had my first baby without epidural and was induced. With the first, they started me at about 8 AM and he was born at 5:19 PM. With Ellie, they started me at about 7 AM, when 5 and 5:30 rolled around, and she wasn't here, I couldn't take it anymore. I think I was also just so stressed about her and what was going to happen when she was born, that I just couldn't relax. So about this time I got an epidural. And I'm fine with it. I do prefer natural childbirth, but I don't think that epidurals are evil, or anything like that.
Well, it was great after that. I went to sleep. When I woke up it was time to deliver. I never have to push for very long. So she was born quite soon. She was born at about 7:30 PM.
The cord was wrapped around her neck, but nothing serious.
They had put us in a delivery room with a little pass-through window into NICU. So as soon as she came out, they rushed her over to the window. I literally did not even get a glimpse of her. I sent J to check on her while they cleaned and stitched me up.
I just remember wanting to see her and hold her. I wanted to feel her breathe and know that her heart was beating. I wanted to at least hold her while she was alive.
She had a really low apgar score. But she was breathing. And she was alive!!!!
When I finally got to see her (in NICU) she had all of these cords and monitors attached to her. It wasn't very pretty, but to me she was beautiful.
I always tell people that it's a bad way to spend your birthday, but a great birthday present.
Monday, July 14, 2008
The Rest of the Pregnancy
I remember writing a really nasty email to all of J's family. It said don't talk to me, don't ask me any questions, I love this baby. Now I feel badly about writing it, but I guess my feelings were boiling over.
We went and saw the local perinatologist monthly, for a few months. He told me that I should be induced at the University of Utah Hospital, so that the baby could be immediately taken to Primary Children's Medical Center when she was born. So I switched to a perinatologist at U of U. And we did the hour drive many, many times for the pregnancy checkups. Little did I know how many more medical trips to Salt Lake lay ahead in the years to come.
It was not fun getting ready for the baby. We actually didn't even know if there would be a baby to bring home. We didn't set up a crib, or paint a nursery, or stock up on girl clothes.
We talked about the possibility of giving her a quick baby blessing there in the hospital, to give her a name.
We knew that she would be rushed to surgery, if she was even alive when she was born.
I know this sounds sad and grim and bleak, but that's the way it was. I really don't remember any good memories about this time.
Everywhere I turned, there were happy pregnant people and new/healthy babies. And Fast Sundays with people saying, "I'm just so thankful for a healthy baby". Or people saying, "We don't care if it's a boy or girl, just as long as it's healthy."
I remember bearing my testimony and trying to tell my ward that our unborn baby had problems, but I don't think anyone really got it.
We are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. We believe in life before this and life after this. So that knowledge was a great comfort. We also believe that if your family is sealed in a Temple, that bond will not be broken after death. So we knew that if she died, we would see her again. We also believe that children who die before the age of 8 (the age of accountability-this is the age when children can be baptized because they are old enough to know right and wrong and understand consequences) and those who have special needs are automatically "saved" in the kingdom to come. Our faith carried us through this difficult period.
We went and saw the local perinatologist monthly, for a few months. He told me that I should be induced at the University of Utah Hospital, so that the baby could be immediately taken to Primary Children's Medical Center when she was born. So I switched to a perinatologist at U of U. And we did the hour drive many, many times for the pregnancy checkups. Little did I know how many more medical trips to Salt Lake lay ahead in the years to come.
It was not fun getting ready for the baby. We actually didn't even know if there would be a baby to bring home. We didn't set up a crib, or paint a nursery, or stock up on girl clothes.
We talked about the possibility of giving her a quick baby blessing there in the hospital, to give her a name.
We knew that she would be rushed to surgery, if she was even alive when she was born.
I know this sounds sad and grim and bleak, but that's the way it was. I really don't remember any good memories about this time.
Everywhere I turned, there were happy pregnant people and new/healthy babies. And Fast Sundays with people saying, "I'm just so thankful for a healthy baby". Or people saying, "We don't care if it's a boy or girl, just as long as it's healthy."
I remember bearing my testimony and trying to tell my ward that our unborn baby had problems, but I don't think anyone really got it.
We are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. We believe in life before this and life after this. So that knowledge was a great comfort. We also believe that if your family is sealed in a Temple, that bond will not be broken after death. So we knew that if she died, we would see her again. We also believe that children who die before the age of 8 (the age of accountability-this is the age when children can be baptized because they are old enough to know right and wrong and understand consequences) and those who have special needs are automatically "saved" in the kingdom to come. Our faith carried us through this difficult period.
Long time no write
Well, it's been over a year since I posted on Ellie's site. So I'll write a little more today, then we'll see what happens.
After the initial diagnosis/shock/denial, J (hubby) and I went through a lot of emotions.
A few memorable days that I remember were: (This is all before she was born)
#1) My Mom told me that if she died, maybe her organs could help save other babies. That made me feel better.
#2) I had a day that I decided to have a funeral. It was a funeral in my brain. It was for the perfect baby, the dreams and hopes that I had for her. I let that baby die and it allowed me to give new life (in my heart) to this new life inside of me. It was really a very healing day for me.
After the initial diagnosis/shock/denial, J (hubby) and I went through a lot of emotions.
A few memorable days that I remember were: (This is all before she was born)
#1) My Mom told me that if she died, maybe her organs could help save other babies. That made me feel better.
#2) I had a day that I decided to have a funeral. It was a funeral in my brain. It was for the perfect baby, the dreams and hopes that I had for her. I let that baby die and it allowed me to give new life (in my heart) to this new life inside of me. It was really a very healing day for me.
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